A Grieving Heart.

My girl is gone.

 

After 12 years of plodding along by my side, she has suddenly journeyed on ahead of me to a place I cannot reach and my heart hurts more than I can say.

She saw me through so many seasons…it’s a wonder she could still recognize me as mom after all of the transformations I underwent before her eyes. When she was first placed into my arms, I was a newly graduated 22-year-old, one month shy of my first date with Gilbert and without any clear idea of what my immediate future involved. She left me last week, a married 34-year-old mother with a 10-year teaching career on my resume. She faithfully walked beside me as God molded me into this current version of myself and I feel adrift knowing that I don’t have her to look forward to tomorrow.

 

I can’t fully articulate how much life she shared with me in 12 years. Far more “people” than dog, she loved me well through the highest highs and lowest lows I have ever seen. She celebrated my victories, comforted me in my sadness, and brought me healing in my brokenness. She licked away my tears, showed me understanding through her eyes, and brought me peace in her presence. For 12 years she was my constant companion, cheerleader, instigator, co-conspirator, and love.  I know I should be smiling about all of the time we had together, but in the midst of her absence it all seems woefully short. I miss her so much.

 

She taught me more about motherhood than I could have ever imagined and I considered myself a mom long before William’s first breath, because of who she was to me. She was high maintenance, endearing, lovable, stubborn, and in my eyes, perfect.

 

She never lost her “puppy” which is maybe why the house is so quiet without her. Although she got older, she remained quintessentially Mo—swimming the day before she died and stubbornly testing the boundaries at her last meal in the same ways she had since she was 4 months old. She filled our home with her personality and has left us with a palpable emptiness.

 

My girl is gone.

 

I type it again now days since her passing because there is a part of me that still can’t believe it. I have stared into our backyard countless times, willing my eyes to see her nosing through the grass once more. My heart aches for just one more day with her. One more day to spoil her with every kind of food she could ever desire, wrap my arms around her neck, and tell her how much I love her. She holds a place in my heart that few people have access to and has seen me in the truest sense of myself. She takes with her moments of mine witnessed by no one else, and I just feel incomplete without her here.

I have spent the better part of a week trying to put into words who she was, what she meant, and why I hurt so much in the wake of her passing and have failed miserably every time.

 

My girl is gone.

 

I know that in coming weeks I will want to share stories of my memories of her, but that time is not here. For now, I want only to hold them close and selfishly keep every one for myself.

 

My girl is gone. And while she knows greater happiness now than she ever realized here on earth, I look at the void she has left behind and I am heartbroken.

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